Season 2, Epiode 1:Entering Psychosis

Living with psychosis was the scariest and most spiritual of my life. It was also the loneliest of times. Lonely, because drugs are designed to be consumed with people, not alone, especially at the consumption level I was snorting up my nose.

Psychosis brought my deepest fears in life, to life, but only in my mind.  Slithering massive snakes; paranoia of being watched - on social media, in the street, at the supermarket; Sex parties at my home, in hidden sex rooms I couldn’t find and suspicious of any friend that had been brave enough to spend time with me.

Psychosis confused my mind so much that I lost my mind. I tried to do things and would have rooms of half-finished tasks, none completed. My mind wouldn’t allow me to focus on anything for any period of time, instead creating panic and anxiety for other things that had to be completed, among other things. At the longest without sleep, four days not seven-ten was the difference in me being able to return my mind to its former self.  

This is the time that  anti-psychotic medication was necessary. I was prescribed  anti-psychotic medication that skyrocketed my weight to 144kg, currently 109kg. It turned me from an amphetamine high junkie to a month long bed ridden sleep deprived being that transformed into a calm mind, enabling repair to my mind.  I turned panic and anxiety into tiredness and sleepiness, the medication assisting greatly. I then stayed on anti-psychs for two years, then stopped taking them (please don’t stop taking psychotic medication abruptly and consult your doctor prior). I got sick of feeling like a robot without emotion. 

This podcast is disturbing. On the other end of disturbing is attraction. I hope the attraction of your mind is active and prepared enough to step in to the world of psychosis. 

If not, you should leave now.

Mike Carroll
19th March 2021

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Transcript

“I was sitting on the end of my bed looking at the casters - they were silver with baby snakes going round and round. 

See they had been born in the centre of my bed

the middle, and were now trying to get out., with the male sliding up and down my bed, just under the doona and all I wanna do isI just go to bed. 

Then I tread carefully walking into the lounge room, there will be more of them on t Kava and Korona’s cage. 

I can’t walk quietly because the ground moves under me. I’m actually moving the walls as I walk. My feet are so heavy. It’’s been days since I’ve been to bed and they 

all come in here into a secret room in my house. I watch them float through the front door and I follow them, but again they disappear into the walls. I can hear a girl 

moaning loudly and the sound of her being pounded like no tomorrow.

I try to push on the walls in my walk in robe , there has to be a button for a door or pushing something opens the door. 

What was that? I stumble out of my wardrobe fall on the floor, can hear the slithering of a snake really close. Do I get up and run or stay still, although shaking uncontrollably.

I tell myself just need to sleep. But that can’t happen now, I’ve Gotta stay awake, time for another line.  I really should eat something. 

OK I’ve got the house to myself for the day. My housemates have gone to work. 

The phone, the fuckin phone wont’t stop beeping. Shut the fuck up.

Oh sorry bubba, it’s ok, it’s just the phone. Your a good little bubba. Oh you need some food, 

Oh no, I’m gonna cover your cage, I can see that snake coming from the crack in the window, just coming inside now.         

It’s so big. I think I’ll get one of the doona covers, I’ve got the cable ties, if I can get it into the doona cover I can cable tie it and put it into the spare room with the other snakes. There still there. Oh! I better go  check. 

OMG they’ve got out. They’ll be in the house and there pregnant. That’s what the snake catcher said the last time he was here. 

My feet are so heavy. Everytime I walk, the house moves. I knew the foundations weren’t that strong. I don’t know how much longer it can hold me. 

Don’t look at ya phone, everyone will know ya smashed. You know I’m on Facebook all the time, like on Facebook on on Facebook. 

What is it with people? Everyone staring at me!. I’m sick and tired af the stares. What I am I doing that’s so worthy of a stare. 

 There stealing ya information. It’ll come out. 

I’ve spent five weekends studying the iPhone and now I know there’s a live function, it says so on the camera, its the latest iOS update. They now have a spy camera on the iPhones called live camera, so they can get away with it.  Can you believe that?

I’m so paranoid about my iPhone and the snakes just keep coming. I’m so lucky they haven’t got Kava or Korona. It’s really only time though.  They look so hungry.  I mean one of them ’s just given birth in my bedroom”.

Scary stuff hey? - The mind  believes what you tell it and whatever you tell it, it will believe. That quote is from UK’s leading therapist and one of my idols, Marissa Peer. 

I survived on one meat pie a day, organic multi-vitamins and what I now believe to be a form of MDMA, not actually pure MDMA, like I believed for many years. There is a chance it could have been pure to start, because one small line from the cap would have me up for days. Down the track, not so much.  Methlene Dioxy Meth amphetamine, MDMA.

More about MDMA later.

“Journalling” can be important for a variety of reasons. Next hear from The Null my journal from 4 years ago, when I had sold my house, moved in with my mum and spent $15000 for personal use MDMA.